Excuse Me, I Want to Pee

I’m reading something, checking messages and looking at the TV occasionally when the newsreader (who is really pathetic) mouths something that interests me. Sis is sitting in front of me reading a newspaper (Not sure which day) folded at least 6 times, listening to music (some stupid guy singing in a breathless voice about his girl if you ask me), checking the TV when I point and laughing at the occasional stupid joke I make. And of course we are eating. Typical dinner time at my place. Mom brings in the food and shouts at us for not eating properly (Read respect to food) “You will eat a lizard and would’t notice. Why should I make such good food? You don’t care. It’s been years since I got a compliment“. I signal sis and she mumbles something about great masala. It is near about this point that mom comes and tells us that Uncle X, Aunt Y and Cousin Z are dropping in tomorrow. I nod and murmur “Oh. Good thing it has been really really long since I saw Z. One of my favorite cousins. All those fun times we had during summer holidays.” Then I look at sis to mirror my feelings which she usually does at dinner times and found her looking stunned. She stuttered “Unc...Uncle X. Oh god! “. I said “Whoa. Nice expression” and went back to reading the book, having dinner I mean of course. Mom and Sis went on for sometime about Uncle X. I naturally don’t catch anything from the exchange (Bloody concentration you see) and that my dear readers, is basically what spawned the happenings that this post reveals.

So tomorrow arrived and I was lying on the sofa reading something listening to something (a la Dwayne in Little Miss Sunshine)*Door bell rings* ignore *Rings again* continue ignoring. Mom runs to the door throwing a dirty look at me for not answering the door. I find that sis also has also responded to the sound of the door bell surprisingly fast and is strangely wearing a churidar and shawl. I guffaw when I see that she has applied oil in her hair in large quantities. She scans me (Unkempt hair. Bermuda. Some crappy T-shirt. Smell of dry sweat. Vagabond-ish to be precise) and gives me a sinister grin. Then uncle, aunt and cousin come in. I nod, smile and wink at the cousin who suddenly looks aghast, turns light yellow, gives me a look that clearly says –WTF- and looks at her dad. (Alright the cousin is a girl and she is like one year younger than me and we haven’t seen each other for about 10 years. But for old times sakes c’mon.) I look at my sis with a –wtf- expression and catch her rolling eyes upwards. I jump up immediately (Respect for elders. Sigh!) But alas it is just too late. Uncle has already spotted me and looking at me with utter disdain. It makes me wonder if I just got caught sneaking into the girls room in school.

Anyways they settle down and engage mom in some relatives-gone-bad bashing. I sulk at the corner and vent my frustration by staring at the cousin, who is still not looking at me, for spurning my wink. Then they talk about religion (Basically about our religion being superior and others being stupid) and finally Uncle X turns to me and says “So what do you think of religion son?” I turn to sis for advice and find her busy in a staring contest with the floor. I mumble some pseudo-intelli stuff like “Ah I just believe in a power above us. Don’t believe in the concept of religions and stuff.” Uncle “So you don’t think marrying out of our religion is bad? Will you be as comfortable in a church as in a temple?” Me “Yea. Yea. Oh yea sure!” Mom and Aunt look at each other and nod gravely. The cousin finally looks at me, but like I’m some alien. I look at sis and find her still busy with the competition (I do think that I caught the shadow of a smile). Uncle’s jaw has dropped a good couple of inches. Uncle now turns his attention fully to me and says “Watch your mouth boy. God hears what you say.” And asks me “So what is your greatest ambition?” I scratch my jaws and think of everything I have wanted. A date with Emma Watson, an Audi R8 (Model gets updated every year.), thousand followers on twitter and the blog, a job with no responsibility that pays more than I can manage to spend, a chat with J.K Rowling (where I get the opportunity to tell her where she went wrong) and manage to get confused. So I just settle for the usual “Oh there is nothing like that.” A triumphant grin appears across uncle’s face *As if I had revealed which girl I wanted to spot in the girls room.*and he break into a banter about the ways of ‘this’ generation. That is a somewhat touchy subject as far as I and my sis are concerned and the house has turned into a fiery battlefield many a time about this issue (Okay we lost every time because mom threatened to stop cooking if we don’t stop. Except for this one time when we put our fingers in the ears and shrieked loudly ;)). I was about to reply when I caught my sis’s eye and something about it made me shut up. Somewhere between this my phone rings. James Hetfield shrieked “Gimme fuel. Gimme fire. Gimme that what I desire. Ohh yea yea.” I pick it up wave at them and talk. When I return uncle looks at me and says “Kids of today have no respect for elders. In my time we wouldn’t dare to sit or speak in front of elders.” And since everyone was staring at me I dutifully replied “Oh the elders of today don’t command that kind of respect. Now do they? And personally I feel that I can sit and talk to anyone whom I consider to be in or below my intellectual level.” As the temperature of the room dropped like a stone, I ran up after delivering my parting dialogue which I consider at par with Tarantino’s ones “Excuse me. But I want to pee!”


End of the Reel Credits
Metallica- For satiating our music needs.
Audi-For giving us those beasts.
JKR- For Harry Potter.
Tarantino- For being a smart ass!
Girl’s rooms- Sigh. For nothing particular.


Movie Dialogue I Like
From Reservoir Dogs:
If you shoot me in a dream you better wake up and apologize.