And The Award Goes To...........

One of the things I really love doing is drive! The sense of cold wind gushing on your face, your hair dancing to its soft caresses, the hum of the engine akin to a tamed beast, the feeling of being in control, the split second decisions you make, well I love all of it ah its nothing but vertigo. Call me supercilious but I consider myself to be one of the better drivers on road and with much more road sense than most of the people driving about. I’ve had my close calls on road but never a ‘proper’ accident (keep praying for me people). Like this one time I and my buddy almost got pulped (Pulp: A soft moist shapeless mass of matter! Ew) by the road transport bus (um did that sound like a dialogue from American Pie). Anyways if you close your eyes to a few near misses on road I’m a fairly legendary (ahem!) driver around these parts.

Being such a seasoned campaigner on road I tackle a lot of queries on what annoys me most on roads. Mostly from people sporting pink colored “I hate/am afraid to drive” bumper stickers in their um bumpers of course. Since there were so many extremely competitive candidates vying for that coveted title I decided to take some time and allot a bit of my fabulous cerebrum so that I wouldn’t remain tongue tied the next time I field that question. Brace yourself to meet the contenders (Dear readers at this point you are supposed to get visions of a mini skirt wearing girl crooning CONTENDERS in a mic and if you cant imagine then the IPL re-runs might help.)

1. Massive Potholes: Unquestionably they have made roads a dangerous place to ride on. With the back braking (of the rider) screw spilling (of the rider and the ride) bumps they make driving hell (I swear I tried for something humorous but how long can you hide your real feelings. Sigh! )

2. Speed Breakers: The Kerala police have found a new imaginative fabulous innovative extremely smart *running out of words desperately trying to open dictionary.com which readily hangs up* idea to reduce speeding. By blocking half the road in the most heavily plied roads inside the city. It effectively causes beautiful traffic bottlenecks (I heard unconfirmed reports that these blocks are visible from the moon!) and thus wipes out speeding! Cheerio cops for coming up with that!

3. Road Transport Corp Buses: When Snoop Dog sang
“There's a killer on the road (Killer, Murder)
His brain is squirming' like a toad
Take a long holiday (holidays, holidays)
Let your children play (play)
If ya give this man a ride
Sweet family will die (Die)
Killer on the road, yeah (Killer, Murder)”

Did he by any chance mean these buses because the terror in my heart on seeing em wretched buses is mirrored exactly by those lines. *author going pale with fear and goes to take a piss*. Need I say more people?

4. Senseless drivers: Like the one I met today who rode his bike into my track and sat there smirking at me without going past why the *censored* did he ride into my track when he knew he couldn’t go anyway. Like the one I saw who swore at me and got sworn back (ah for the first time in my life I did it) for his mistake. Like all those people who ride their SUVs like they are two wheelers. Like the ones who drive without anticipation. Never mind I’m just frustrated.

5. Meaningless Honking: Well well this ladies and gentlemen is the winner!! It startles you out of the temporarily celestial existence atop your ride. It makes you shout maniacally. *Sing the next line like Shirley Bassey-Goldfinger* It beckons you to raise your middle-finger. Usually me and my buddy who usually rides with me shower the honker with the choicest expletives we can think of and believe me it’s one of the best methods to de-stress yourself.

Well this one has gotten longer than I imagined it would be. So my dear bumper sticker-ed guys don’t bother asking me the next time and drivers riding behind my 8-9-10 numbered ride please take are to honk sensibly.

End of the reel credits:
Snoop Dog (For those soulful and cheeky lyrics)
Shirley Bassey (For 2 fab Bond theme songs)
Honda (For designing my ride)
Kerala Police (For allowing me to write about their wonderful idea)
Youtube.com (for free videos)
Kerala State Road Transport Corp (For unleashing terror on road! And for nothing)

Play list:
Madonna-Die Another Day
Shirley Bassey-Goldfinger
Guns n Roses-Don’t Cry
Nancy Sinatra-You Live Only Twice
Chris Cornell-You Know My Name
Dope-Die Mofo Die
Ozzy-Bark At The Moon

Movie Dialogue I Like:
Sean Connery aka James Bond replies when asked why he always carries the gun (In Gold finger if I’m not mistaken): “Oh I have a slight inferiority complex”.