My Trysts with Beasts and the Like

In this post I intend to unravel before you the mystic and dangerous adventures from my life involving wild, untamed, fatal beasts. Those kinds of adventures where peril awaits you at every step where every shadow is alive and dangerous where every heartbeat leaves a thunderous echo where every second takes a lifetime to crawl by where only the headstrong survive and from where the lucky ones among them emerge. Yes readers today the curtain of secret will fall and the faded pages from the moth-ridden blood scarred books will be thrown open for you. Brace yourself.

Um never mind. This post is all about my dislike of pets especially dogs. Dislike is actually an understatement. My real feeling for dogs would be one of loathing hatred repugnance. Yes sir I’m heavily prejudiced against them (One helluva prejudice too).Allow me to share with you the hilarious (but very horrendous) happening(s) which took place when I was about 12 that led to this aversion. Let me introduce the characters:

1. Yours truly: (*Let me indulge in some self-pampering*) The hero and chief character. Possesses seemingly endless patience. Takes everything with a smile. *crap you know all this already right?*. Only, pampering pets isn’t his pet peeve.

2. My neighbor: The baddie. Smiles limited to lopsided smirk. Tramples the flowers on the road. Hides the cricket balls which fall in his yard (*sob sob*). Does everything in his power to test the hero’s patience. His favorite indulgence was pampering his pup.

3. His dog: The WMD. The filthy means by which he spread his villainies. A mighty german shepherd which was in my view as filthy as his master but truly brainless and a glutton (as if there are dogs which go on diets)

Master and crony were seemingly inseparable and so I wasted no chance whatsoever to hurt the latter. I managed to snare him into traps often and once even managed to make him drink one of em special potions of mine (oh nothing special just a concoction of chilly powder and water). If there was nothing else I could do I would throw a stone and do my victory jig which consisted of a jump in the air a swirl and a shout that resembled whoop. I would remember the “Every Dog Has Its Day” proverb without fail during these little antics of mine but I would pooh-pooh it thinking something along it’s a stupid proverb after all now innit. But then the day came alright. *Okay I concede that some of these actions sound mean and reckless but you should’ve seen what a mean son of a bitch he was*

I was walking back home after a jolly good day at school (Ah those good old days). Spirits were high and I was looking forward to my late evening biking session. I was barely 50 meters away from my home when I spotted him alone. Grinning inwardly I picked up a stone and walked closer. Then to my sheer dismay and shock (It still gives me goose bumps) I saw that the beast was unleashed literally. Somewhere in my head Baha Men broke into Who Let the Dogs Out. But it was drowned out but a husky voice with eerie whispers of vengeance vendetta revenge retaliation blood and the like. A chill ran down my spine and I couldn’t move. Then my brain went on analyze mode. Options

(a)Pull out the 32mm and blow his brains out. *Beep Beep Red Light* Rejected. No gun.

(b)Try throwing the stone. *Beep Beep Red Light* Rejected. No idea of response and if I miss I’m dead.

(c)Try calli……..

At this precise moment he looked up, bared his teeth, gave me a sly grin, growled slightly (unverified) and pounced. Then it was all mayhem. My legs that were rooted to the ground till then started a sprint that would have put Usain Bolt to shame. But he was too fast for me (Darn relative velocity). I could almost sense his brain zeroing in on where to sink those shiny teeth. The distance came down from 5 meters to about 1 in no time, he was airborne, the leather from my bag was cutting into my skin (Okay it wasn’t that was for a dramatic effect) and I was still running. Somewhere between all this commotion (I am not able to identify exactly when), I tripped on a stone and fell and saw him sail over me, those brownish white whiskers brushing against my head. By the time he landed and recovered from the shock that his homing missiles had missed their target I was safely home. Within a second or two the neighbor came running and took the beast and comforted him. I cannot be sure but I think I caught something like “Don’t worry *static* Next chance *static* Get him *static* “.

Anyways things became normal after that except that I added a ‘butt-shaking’ step to my victory jig just to remind him of what he could have had and that I developed a long-lasting bond of hatred with dogs.

Disclaimer: No animals where harmed in writing this blog (except of course for em poor blokes who will drown due to whatever contribution this blog makes to global warming). The author extends his wholehearted support to PETA or whichever climate organization you are from as long as they have skimpy models covered with leaves. All sentences which you found discriminatory towards animals may be considered as mere droplets form the vast ocean that constitutes the author’s imagination. Damn it I’m good at writing these.

End of the reel credits

PETA- for giving us pretty girls to stare at.

Pet owners- for giving us pets to throw stones at (wtf! That was a joke).

The founder of leash-Thank you sir whoever you are.

Usain Bolt- For his celebrity appearance and for running like crazy.

Playlist

Baha Men- Who let the dogs out.

Metallica-Master of Puppets

Metallica-Battery

Metallica-One

Metallica-Overkill

Metallica-Too late Too late

Metallica-Whiplash

Movie dialogue I like: Something serious this time around. This one is from V for Vendetta -“Fairness Justice and Freedom are more than just words they are perspectives”